MY SIMPLE LIFE (2)

Earlier I intentionally glossed over a great many details. The mechanics of how I came to be a broken, incomplete person are relevant only to myself. Sharing them would only serve to make this one more sad story in an endless compilation of them, and that is not the point. My hope is that some part of this will strike a chord with someone at the right moment to be useful.

So then, who was I? As painful as the reassembly was, it paled compared to the empty space remaining and the bitter realization that I had no answer. Looking back, I’m not sure I ever had an answer. At least not one that meant anything.

I was just a guy going to work everyday, paying the bills, and raising my Son. No different from anyone else. I liked my job, but had no passion for it. Paid for the same things everybody else did, mindlessly never considering whether I needed those things or how they benefitted me. Raised my Son as I was raised, not once wondering if it could be done better.

So much of what I did everyday was “normal” that almost no room was left for individuality. A perfect example of this came when I had to tell my employer that I wouldn’t be able to return. On a personal level this was emotionally crushing. Adding insult to injury, my position was immediately, seamlessly filled by someone else. No muss, no fuss, thanks for your years of service.

I can hardly imagine a more thoroughly devaluing experience.

At a time when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I discovered I couldn’t even start formulating an answer to my question until I first worked backward to learn who I was not.

 

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MY SIMPLE LIFE (1)

This blog has been a wonderful outlet for the random musings and unanticipated thought fragments that seem to perpetually traverse my mind. Through poetry I’ve found a method of examining and coping with emotional turmoil, that kept bottled up, eventually becomes rancid and toxic.

Without prattling on endlessly, I’ll share with you that several years ago I experienced a series of traumatic events severe enough to make rebuilding the life I had impossible.

Much of what I’d thought of as absolutely essential was irredeemable. At 44 years old I was faced with the terrifying prospect of finding a completely different way to live, something I wasn’t even certain was possible.

Being so fundamentally hurt, the first eighteen months were little more than a process of slow healing. I didn’t think about what came next during this time, because I wasn’t convinced there would be a next.

When I finally tried to pull myself together it was quickly apparent that too many pieces couldn’t be made to fit anymore. That was very sad since I’d had some of them most of my life, and didn’t want to see them go.

So, I was left with the question, who was I?…………………………………………………… (to be con’t)

 

Authors note: While I have no intention of abandoning poetry, I think it’s time to bring this blog more in alignment with it’s original mission statement, which is simply to help, and to do that it’s important to understand the circumstances of it’s creation.

 

One

An ancient knowledge

a remnant truth

learned in the time

when Man was youth,

 

You are not, or ever were

alone

that feat, my friends

cannot be done,

 

Those tricks we use

to separate

are as dreams

and without weight,

 

These tricks

that cause us so much pain

are a vile poison

in our veins,

 

Leaving us lost, confused

depressed

souring our happiness,

 

We’ve told ourselves

they’re useful tools

but of what use

heart-broken fools?

 

There is not

an Us and Them

there never was

it’s never been,

 

There’s only We

and We are kin

to each and every

living thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations! (a diatribe)

I’d like to take a moment

and acknowledge the enormous success

achieved by those magnates of

modern industrial society.

 

The battle was by no means an easy one

opposed by truth at every turn

motivated by nothing more

than the desire for financial gain

 

What stunningly ingenious fabrications

cut from whole cloth

how reasonable their presentation

made them appear

 

Integrity, morality, ethics

unhesitatingly sacrificed

on a golden altar

in the name of wealth

 

What glittering wonders

of technology

sold at exorbitant prices

you can afford to buy!

 

Still, with overflowing billfold

what coinage is required

for the washing away of stain

from a corrupt heart?

 

 

 

 

 

Release

As the scales begin to tilt

and more days lie behind me

than those ahead

My thoughts wander

as they more often do

to those I’ve known and loved

whose names can no longer

be found in the book of life

I mourn the empty spaces they left

knowing those places will remain

dark and silent within me

I mourn my loss

Should I mourn theirs?

Their lost worry?

Their lost fear?

Their lost suffering?

Rather I rejoice

in their loss

in their release

 

 

 

 

 

Knowing One’s Self

To know One’s Self,

is a lofty goal, rarely reached.

We look into a mirror,

and flatly deny what it reflects.

We proclaim that we have no answer,

when our fear left the question unasked.

We justify our wrong action,

with excuses we don’t believe.

We take comfort in our ability,

unmatched by any species, to deceive ourselves.

How few among us,

will accept what is to be seen?

Will voice the question,

aware that though the answer may be painful,

ignorance is intolerable?

Will freely take responsibility,

for each of their actions?